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Subject:The afterlife
Time:11:18 pm
Mabon is upon us, nature in perfect 12/12. Balance. I can feel the magic ive sown, how it courses through my veins. Im leaving behind an old life. I feel myself turning within, realigning. It takes saying good bye. For my equinox alter, the empress came to me in light, cups of seven dark. In balance.

Cicada, the emergence of self throughout a life cycle.
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Subject:Daze and days
Time:11:08 pm
Ive grown, and ive sown
Championed, and carried on
Ive been careless, and carefree
But ive never, not for a long time, felt free
I try to shake my chains
I will them away
I try to escape the box, it closes in tighter
Its messy, and scary, unstable, unkind
Its living a life inside my tired mind.
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Current Music:ten years after, religion
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Subject:my oh my
Time:09:27 pm
year and ten days since I posted, damn.

well, been with traveye for about a year now. partying, tend bar at party, jumping off Columbia bridge, freedom ride, jail, enough is enough. of course I wait until i'm pregnant to be done done. absolutely ridiculous and typical.

I had a very bend Oregon winter and spring with him. had some wonderful trimmer kids stay with us from the east coast, and it was two weeks of music with my kids and them, lots and lots of herb, saw snoop dogg, loved eachother as a family. i quit training horses and coaching.

all in all, you know, i fell into a place where i was just trying to be happy. method aside, results aside. for once in my life, for probably the first time in my life i was doing everything i could to be happy.

last august i touched it, august 2012. i flew to san Francisco to see Kelsea and to see Phish. after a late night of nicki bluhm and the gramblers at kelsea's club, and an early morning wake up heart to heart chat, and then more sleep, we woke up and slowly got ready for the day. i can remember sitting there going through my suitcase and putting on make up while kelsea packed. her young room mates were playing video games, the whole house vibrating through me, ancient high ceilings that held the dreams of many between their rafters. long and loud doors and vacant parlors. at least that's the way i remember it. we ran to the bart, and kelsea asked me how i do going under the bay. i had no idea i was under the bay. ah, well. we Phished. i learned so much. i learned SO much about all the guy friends i have ever loved that like the band called Phish. i held my space, we got down. the great human experience. oh, wow oh wow oh wow. it's like it all happened at once, the after party seemingly in the street. "take three girls to a Phish show in SF and feed them a bunch of drugs, what could possibly go wrong?" and there was another crew, the designated date and his flock of beauty's. i remember seeing him catch me holding down my crew, holding down our shit as a family unit, and he did his little phish boy stompity towards me, it was the sweetest, cutest. i loved it. melting, melting melting during Simple. i came home different, i came home better. a beloved, dear soul that i trained horses for said "you're back!!" it had only been a month since dad died. i didn't know what to say. was i back? to me it was just a power surge. an encouragement. this is who you have the power to be. this is who you are at your core of core. just lift away all of it. just give up all that weight. just let it go, let it all go, and you will see. it's that easy, and what do you have to lose?

i went to PA, and came home with a nasty kidney infection. three trips to bmc urgent care and one to the ER. soon as i was better from that it was something else. and just as i was recovering from my alcoholism this summer, i discovered i am pregnant with number three. how very delightful for sure. i find myself fighting travis and being with him. i left left tonight. i cant do it anymore, i can't hold it together, hold him together or hold myself together anymore. i'm letting go. giving it all up. i'm over it, i'm done. i'm ready for whatever happenes when that weight is gone. i'm perfectly okay with all of it when it's like that. i love my two babies, and i love the baby in my belly. and i have plans, goals, directions and i'm stoked to be 28 and unfold the mystery of my life. and it's just the way i created it for myself. dark, messy, mildly disappointing at times, mind blowing at others, painful, joyous, loving, beautiful, thoughtful meaningful and just damn amazing.

i'm okay with all of this as soon as i let go~
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Time:01:25 pm
well i am in PA figured i should make an entry


staying with nick wisor, old head from souderton. lucky fucking girl i am.


lucky fucking girl.


savor the memories you remember. savor the love you give, and the love you receive.


lucky girl.
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Subject:going home
Time:02:36 am
for the first time in three years. Gonna see biscuits.

Huge mess. Boys. Work. Life. Life again. Horses.

Happy though. Happy and good fortune.
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Time:09:39 pm
whos to say it can't bend and fold
i step side to side, transcending time

whose to say, i can't slip by
transcend time

rise again start anew
rise again find you
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Subject:finally out
Time:11:10 pm
i worried the shit out of myself for a minute there.

family, horses, family, move, friends, family.

lost myself for a minute there.

i'll understand this eventually, what happened, rationalize it.

for now, it's enough that the worst is over.

the only music i can consider listening to right now- LoG ashes of the wake and dinosaur eating demon monkey.

sorry Jerry, but i'd vomit if the dead came anywhere near my ears for the next couple of months. no fucking phish, no biscuits, no fucking anything but metal. rip out the cobwebs. tear down the walls. there is nothing amiable benevolent kind sweet passive nothing ice staged polite aggressive

only real
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Time:11:16 pm
spring is going by pretty fast, and not quite how i expected it to. i'm not sure what i expected it to be, but i do no when i have expectations i am usually let down.

so i am going to relax, be myself and be grateful. and allow. and be grateful. let it happen.

there's no forcing love.
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Time:11:13 pm
feeling radiant peace.

moved old pain today.

everyday is new growth, new gratitude.
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Time:08:09 pm
saw your name
reach out to touch the pain
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[icon] Cowgirl in the Sand
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